Elvis Presley was known for many things including a peanut butter, bacon, and banana sandwich. I just made a kosher version of it. Take two slices of challah, a healthy schmear of peanut butter, three strips of bacon, cut off the tip of the banana, and feel guilty for eating it.
If you are a Jew, you can skip to the second paragraph. For the goyim (gentiles) reading this, Sukkos (or Sukkot) is a Jewish Holy Festival where we build and then take our meals in a temporary sukka (or booth) in obedience to the command of G-d in Leviticus 23. We do this to remember how our ancestors lived in temporary booths in the years following the Egyptian captivity. You’ll find it mentioned in the Christian scriptures in John 7 as the “Feast of Tabernacles.” On 15 Tishrei (late September/early October) we start the seven-day festival. With your introduction to Judaism freshly learned, you may be able to appreciate the brief tale that follows.
I have a funny, if not somewhat sad tale of my first Sukkos away from home. I was a freshman at Rutgers University. I went to the Newark campus which was for commuters only. Newark, NJ, like many big cities, is mostly paved. A few Jewish students and I tried to erect a sukka in the Rutgers quadrangle without the benefit of soil to stake it in or trees to tie it to. As fate would have it, Sukkos started on a very windy day so our sukka did not survive. I have to wonder if G-d looked down and said, “what schmucks, they don’t even plan to build a proper sukka,” or if He said, “such faith and commitment these kids have, believing that an untethered sukka could stand on a windy day.”
I am looking forward to finding out which of these He said.
If you are Jewish, you’ll understand this post. I don’t know who the author is but my nice Jewish mother sent it to me.
1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
2. Where there’s smoke, there may be salmon.
3. No meal is complete without leftovers.
4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
5. A shmata is a dress that your husband’s ex is wearing.
6. You need ten men for a minyan, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.
7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
8. After the destruction of the Second temple , God created Nordstrom’s.
9. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
10. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.
11. Next year in Jerusalem . The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
12. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
13. Spring ahead; fall back – winters in Boca.
14. WASPs leave and never say good-bye; Jews say good-bye and never leave.
15. Always whisper the names of diseases.
16. If it tastes good, it’s probably not kosher.
17. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended
18. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
19. If you have to ask the price, you can’t afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
20. Laugh now, but one day you’ll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida .
Answering questions with questions is something Jewish people are famous for. Here’s a sample dialog where only questions are used:
Me: Mom, would you like to go for Chinese?
Mom: How could I refuse such a thing?
Me: Is it OK if I get you in an hour?
Mom: Do you think it will really take me an hour to get ready?
Me: Would half an hour be OK?
Mom: What do you think? Are we going Dutch?
Me: What kind of son do you think I am?
Mom: Will you be here on time for once?
Me: Have I ever been on time?
Mom: Why did I bother to ask?